我的存在為我

I have lost all recognition and understanding of the meaning and concept of life. Yesterday I did something I shouldn’t have, But it was enjoyable and I will probably do it again. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I really don’t care about anything anymore, In life you have to do thing’s even if they do hurt you, If the thing you’re doing right now doesn’t hurt you, something else will come along and surely do the same job. Avoiding being hurt doesn’t really make up for something because another one will come along, you will follow your heart again and you will get hurt again. So in setting myself up in such a situation, I know, that if I get hurt, it is my fault, Just like it was before.

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I’m so angry…

Just all the time. I’m sick of the drama’s and lies and distrust that come along with having relationship’s with people and don’t get me wrong, I’m not sayin that I’m better than anyone, I for one have said plenty of horrible things about people which at the time seemed completely reasonable but not now, I said those things because I was angry, disapponted to say the least. I’ve worked things out now and I don’t feel that way anymore and I won’t say those things anymore because I just won’t, My mind is clear of disgust on that subject. Jaykob rang me last night after he’d been drinking, he was crying and he kept saying that he was sorry. But, I don’t know what he’s sorry for, It wasn’t anything that he did so to speak and it wasn’t anything of my doing either, We just couldnt work things out anymore and it got to the point where I couldnt stand this on going battle in my head between him and my parents and his parents and I, I stll don’t understand what I did to give them such a poor opinion of me, I was always polite, always good to the kid’s, I never used, cheated on or was disloyal to their son, I actually felt quite a closeness with hs mother, I thought that she liked me at the least, the night before we broke up the second time things werent going that well and Jaykob was at work, She told me that she loved me, she said that she hoped that I never eneded up like her, she would deny that now though, I have no doubt in my mind. I guess I’ll never know why she has a hate that has arisen in her over me and I suppose that’s not much of a problem, I know that I can do better in myself, I’ll find love again, not right now, I’m not ready, but later. For now, My life is mine and I am okay with that, I’m going to work on perfecting my body and getting healthier to my standards, Maybe then I can love myself and maybe then someone can love me, but not till then, I won’t allow it, not until I’m stronger.

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